UVA Hospital: Day Three

Tonight I plan on staying up all night, to see if sleep deprivation will help spice up the seizure situation. Don't worry, they want me to seize, and I'm very safe here! I hope that my iPhone and one remaining unread book (Terry Pratchett, "Men at Arms") are enough to get me through!

I did score a cheeseburger today, and banana pudding. Score!

My roomie continues to fart, obnoxiously. You may think that all farts are obnoxious, but they're not! For example, those little accident toots that everyone makes sometimes, those are fine, sometimes endearing if the person is family and you can joke about it for several years. But this lady is really out of control. She woke me up with a really loud one last night, and tonight it is *faaaaaart* - "Mmmmmmmm". Repeat. ZOMFG. In other roommate news, she hasn't brushed her teeth or spongebathed in her two days here. Unless I am completely out of it. Which I doubt, because she has to be escorted to the bathroom/sink which involves a really loud pager and intercom.

Now that I've broached the bathroom topic solidly, here's how his works here. I realize that nature calls. I have to push a big red call button on my giant universal remote (tv, lights, stewardness, temperature, room service, foot massager... ok, maybe just the first three). The box beeps to confirm that my page was processed, and then the voice of God (or the nurse in charge of the monitoring station, they sound similar) speaks over an intercom built into my mondo remote.

"ARE YOU OK," booms the voice.
"Yes!"
"ARE YOU SURE?"
"Yes, thank you!"
"TELL ME YOUR NAME"
"But you're God, don't you know me?"
"SMARTASSES DON'T GET PUDDING."
"But I ate my meat!"

*insert sound of my name being scratched off the pudding list*

"Really, I'm ok. I just need to use the bathroom."
"WHAT?"
"I need to use the bathroom."
"WHAT?!!"
"I NEED TO PEE!!"
"Oh. No need to shout. The pee warden will be with you shortly."

Small pause. The nurse or patient care trainee comes over and escorts me the seven feet or so to the toilet and stand outside the door while I do my best to quietly tinkle. What happens next is like coming out of the bathroom in a restaurant and returning to a table at which mom awaits (Love you mom!!)

"ARE YOU OK?"
"Yup"
"DID YOU HAVE A BOWEL MOVEMENT?"

This being a hospital you have to answer. Even though you're sure they know anyway because they were standing outside the door! So every day you must be prepared to answer the following questions, several times per day:

(a) DID YOU HAVE A BOWEL MOVEMENT? (Pardon the caps, but it always feels like this question is asked too loudly)
(b) Do you have any pain or tingling?
(c) Can I get you anything?
(d) What is your name?
(e) What is your birthday?
(f) What is today?
(g) Where are you?

I have yet to say yes to (c) because I'm a chicken. But my roommate gets cokes and extra pillows and double cheeseburgers and sugar cookies. And, for the record, they do accept smartass answers to question (f), such as, "The day before tomorrow." Haha!!

I am wildly bored. And stressed out. I don't like sleeping in a room with the door open and only a blanket to snuggle. I don't like the constant flux of people coming and going (food services, housekeeping, anyone going past me to see my neighbor, nurses, residents, doctors, volunteers, etc etc) when I have nowhere to go. I dislike my roommate's barefeet and lack of manners and cleanliness. I don't like being tethered or being watched by someone 24/7 (yes, the video camera is monitored by a person who moves the camera with a joystick to follow me whereever I go). I don't like using the bathroom with someone right there (anyone else have a shy bladder?) But, all of this is in my best interest to find a bettter solution and better health for me. I'm doing this for me! And for you, since you're the ones that have to chauffeur me and cater to me and deal with my grumpiness when I don't feel well. For which I love you mightily!